Do you want a pedicure sodomy?

Every August I go away for a girl's weekend with some of my closest friends. This year, a few days before we left, a few of us decided it would be fun to go get manicures and pedicures. One of the ladies offered to make reservations for everyone, but she just needed to know what each person was going to have done.
I texted my friend, the divine Miss M, to see if she was getting her nails done, a mani/pedi or a pedicure only. I typed my message and sent before proofreading. Less than a minute later I received a text back saying that she just wanted a manicure. It was at that point that I glanced at the message I had sent to her.
I'm still not quite sure what letters I actually hit to have auto correct change my message, but it changed "do you want a pedicure only?" to "do you want a pedicure sodomy?"
GAAAHHHH!
What did I just ask my friend?!?!?
First of all, OUCH! GROSS!
Second of all, I'm NOT doing that.
Thirdly - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I immediately text her, explaining what I meant to send, and she replied that it was not the first time I had auto-correct-texted her, and basically she's learned to assume what I mean to say in my texts.
Whew! Thank heavens she knows me so well and we have a long history of friendship, you know?
Now, fast forward about 4 months to last night.
My hubby and I are driving home from some holiday festivities with the "Florida group" of friends. I may or may not have consumed a tad too much alcohol before I decided it was a good idea to pull out my phone and update my status on Facebook. This was what my friends got to see at about 1 am this morning:
"I think I drank too much tonight. Scratch that - I know I did. Tomorrow is gonna suck. I think I need some Taxi Bell and water."
STUPID AUTO CORRECT! I MEANT TACO, NOT TAXI!!!
I immediately tried to post an explanation as a comment, but as I type TACO again, it auto corrects to TAXI again, and also offers to add TACO to the dictionary.
It was at that point, in my drunken moment of clarity, that I realized I am completely disturbed by the fact that my auto correct dictionary contains the word sodomy, but not taco.

That's not on policy

At my place of employment, they implemented a policy about 2 years ago telling us that we cannot accept gifts from vendors. That means no free lunches, no pens, paper, mouse pads, gift baskets, etc. We were told that if a company wanted to, they could donate money to the hospital, but any and all gifts are prohibited.

Now, y'all know from my previous blogs just how ridiculous the people I work with are. Over the last two years, we've complied with the policy...mostly. The last 2 holiday seasons, Dr. MF has had a company bring us lunch - usually the Friday before Christmas - and she'd call it our Christmas party. She has also allowed a handful of vendors - ones that she deemed worthy - to bring lunch on days when her brother is working. THAT is not on policy.

Dr. MF is also squatting in our office. Yes, you heard me right. Squatting. She keeps all of her practice charts and equipment in our office, uses our exam rooms to see her patients, uses our phone lines and DOESN'T PAY RENT! How does she get away with this, you ask? Well, she is on the board of the hospital and is a special assistant to the president of the hospital. That apparently allows her special privileges that other physicians do not receive. On top of all of this, she pays MY office manager to work for her - billing, scheduling, etc. - and pays her on top of what she makes through my employer. My manager does the majority of her work for Dr. MF while she is "on the clock" with the hospital.Can you say double dipping? Now, I understand that my manager is a salaried employee, but I'm sure they wouldn't be happy about what she is doing if they'd get off their asses and investigate the complaint my co-worker filed. THAT is definitely not on policy.

Dr. MF has made the PA's and the RN do things that are WAY out of their scope of practice - like taking call and making medical decisions for patients so they don't bother her brother. She uses threats and intimidation to get them to do what she wants them to do. THAT is definitely not on policy.

So, you'd think with all the occasional "adjustments" she makes to policy, she would also make that exception at Christmas time when a vendor sends the employees in the office gift baskets at Christmas. I received one, the nurse received one as well as my manager. It was a small basket with a bottle of wine, cheese, crackers, chocolates and fruitcake. When Dr. MF saw the basket sitting on the RN's desk she asked if it came from a vendor. When the RN replied that yes, it had come from a vendor, MF flipped her lid. Seriously. Dr. MF immediately got on the phone with the vendor and proceeded to tell him (via a voice mail message because he was with a customer)he was in violation of our vendor policy and that his company was no longer allowed in our clinic until this violation was taken care of. How do they take care of it? Yeah, he has to come pick up the baskets and THEN he'll be allowed to resume business with our practice. Uh-huh. You heard me right. We have to give them back.

This all went down before our lunch break. We went to lunch - phone lines are forwarded and doors are closed - and when we went back to work at 1, Dr. MF left to go to a meeting and said she wasn't coming back to the office. About and hour after she left, said vendor appeared at the desk, slightly shaking, paled and highly apologetic. We told him no worries, that Dr. MF was gone and that WE appreciated the thought, but that we had to give the gift baskets back to him.

You know what he did?

He said "Ok, I'll tell Dr. MF that I picked them up. I'm really, really sorry for the trouble I caused." He then proceeded to pick up, and then set down, each and every basket and then mumbled "I'll just have to make sure to get your home addresses next Christmas."

I chuckled and thought "Oh good, I don't have to lie. He did pick up the baskets..."

Just some tips

to make things a little easier on you when dealing with the health care industry.
DO always, always, always bring your insurance card(s) and picture ID to your appointment.
DON'T hassle the staff because they ask for your picture ID and insurance card(s). We ask for it at every visit to ensure we have the correct information to bill your insurance and to verify your identity. This ensures YOU do not receive any unnecessary bills and that YOUR identity is not stolen.
DO get angry if you have to wait an unnecessary amount of time for you physician. Your time is just as valuable!
DON'T take out your frustrations on the office staff if you do have a long wait. We schedule all appointments according to what the doctor has specified. If you have a long wait, take it up with your physician. That is the only way things will change.
DO call your physician's office after you schedule any tests that require prior authorization from your insurance at least two business days before.
DON'T call your physician's office an hour before said appointment for us to obtain authorization and then get upset when you're told the appointment needs to be rescheduled.
DO call the office three days in advance when you need a prescription refill
DO guard you narcotic prescription like it is cash.
DON'T call the office 10 days early for a narcotic refill. No matter what your excuse is, it makes you look like a druggie.
DON'T call up and ask us to fax something for you, and then proceed to get angry because we ask you for the fax number and you don't have it. No, I'm not going to look it up online or call information. YOU want it faxed, YOU need to provide the number.
and lastly,
DO treat us how you want to be treated. I am much more apt to go out of my way (like call in your refill RIGHT NOW or look up that fax number you need if I have a free minute) if you are nice and not snarky.
I hope this has been both informative and helpful in your future endeavors into the medical community!

Shankfully, we are not a bank

Not too long ago while closing the office on a Friday afternoon, there was a knock at the front door. I opened the door to find a man about 6 feet tall, braided hair, dirty t-shirt and jean shorts. He asked if Miss B was still in the office, to which I replied she was on vacation for the next week.
"Awe, man! What about Dr. B? Is he here?" He asked, to which I replied that he was also on vacation for the next two weeks.
"Fer real, man?!?"
At this point, he pushes past me into the waiting room while continuing to speak to me.
"You gots to be kiddin' me. See, check this out. I was on my way downtown, man, and I ran outta gas and they just called me for my Social Security hearing and I gotta get down there, like, right now."
Now, while he speaking, he got those shifty eyes and is all fidget-y, so I decided to get straight to the point and ask "What exactly is it that you need?"
"Just like, fifteen dollars, man."
Is he serious? Does he think this is a bank?
"We don't keep cash in the office. At all." I replied.
"Awe, man! Fer real? All I need is, like, fifteen dollars. I can pay it back - Dr. B and Miss B know me and they can vouch for me. Don't you have any money on you?"
"No, I don't bring cash with me to work. Ever."
Long pause where he is just staring at me.
"Ok, well, I'm closing up, so you have to leave now."
He stared at me for a few seconds more and then went out the door, which I promptly closed and locked behind him.
I do have one thing to thank him for. Because of this little incident, I now carry a shank on me at all times- a #15 blade surgical scalpel. Nobody better ever think I'm a bank again, shank you very much!

Who's a good CZ? You are! Yes, you are!

While most of the time CZ shirks her responsibility onto S, B and myself, there are rare occasions where she will help out, but it always comes with a price.
I have been working my four tens (YAY!) for just over a month now and Tuesdays are my day off. When I was granted permission from CZ to start my new schedule, she added pre-registering and verifying all patient insurances onto my list of responsibilities because "I would have free time in the morning and afternoon". I have no problem with this because I know that if I get into a bind and can't get everything done, S and B would help me in an instant.
Well, last week I was sick again - don't worry, I didn't call in - but Thursday I was feeling like such crap that B finally convinced me to go home at 3:45 and she stayed to cover me. I came home, took some meds and was feeling much better by the next day.
Friday was super busy and I was behind on pre-registering and verification because I left early the day before. I had completed everything I was going to need for Monday before I left Friday, and knew I could finish Wednesday, Thursday and Friday when I came in the following week. Well, turns out, I ended up having a major case of the Mondays. I was just so busy, I was only able to get through Wednesday's stuff, but figured I'd finish the week when I came into work today. Yeah, what was I thinking?
As soon as CZ walked into the office this morning, this is how our conversation went:
Me: "Good morning"
CZ: "Mornin'. Hey, I pulled, prepped, and pre-registered all of Today's and Thursday's charts for you."
Me: "I already had today's pre-registered and verified, so you didn't need to do it again."
CZ: "Well, what I meant was I put the pre-reg numbers into today's charts for B."
Me: "Oh, OK. Thanks."
CZ: "and I did all of Thursday's for you since they weren't done Monday."
Me: "OK, thanks."
And then she repeated it at least twice to other people how she pulled and pre-registered Thursday's charts for me, looking for praise wherever she could get it. I swear, working with CZ is like having to train a puppy.
That's a good CZ! Good girl, pre-reg'n the charts for me! Who want a treat?!? Who wants one?!?
The sad thing is, CZ now thinks that she has done so much work for the office that she'll sit on her a$$ for who knows how long before "helping" again. I'll let you all know in a few months when it happens. *sigh*

Ray Harrison, you're a douchebag. *UPDATED*

I'm having a little problem. My problem is, I know that it is illegal, but I really, really want to stab Ray in the eye. And maybe...wait, no maybe about it. I also want to take a flame-thrower to his crotch. I hate Ray more than I hate the High Priestess L and CZ, and y'all know how much I can't stand them. I hate him so much, I'm not even bothering to "cover" his identity by just using initials or a nickname.
Wanna know why I loathe him so much?
I'm so glad you asked!
My very best friend, the divine Miss M, started talking to Ray about four years ago after meeting him at a concert. They were just friends, but a couple years ago, they realized they had feelings for each other and started "dating" - phone calls, e-mails and such - because they lived 1,000 miles apart. Things were going well and he was making plans to move back to Florida so that he could be near his son and Miss M. His plan was to move back in early December of 2008. Then, it got pushed back for reasons that he explained as blah, blah, blah...they never really made sense to me. As the holiday approached, he was "on the road for work" and when Christmas day arrived, Miss M was unable to get in touch with him. After trying to contact him for a couple days, she began to panic, thinking something had happened to him as he was driving (he was a cross-country truck driver) and thought he was missing, hurt, lying in a ditch somewhere. Panic, panic, panic for a week, and then he calls her. She reads him the riot act, but of course he has an explanation (which was complete bullshit, IMHO. He said that his truck broke down and his cell wasn't working. WTF? Have you never heard of a payphone? Or how about ask to borrow someone's to make one quick call. Honestly, I didn't believe any of it and thought he was doing something shady.) but Miss M, being the forgiving person she is, gave him another chance. I, on the other hand, now start loathing Ray.
As time goes on, they are "on again, off again", but he finally moved to Florida a few months ago and got his filthy self back in her good graces.
Time travel to today, where the divine Miss M is on facebook and notices that one of her friends has him as a friend. Her thought was "Oh, Ray finally got a facebook!" and she clicked on the link to his page. She was very excited, until she saw his relationship status.
It did say he was in a relationship...with some chic named Kristina. That is NOT Miss M's name.
So, she sent him a message asking WTF?!? and his response was "leave me alone".
Wow! Really?
Douchebag. Cumdumpster. Oxygen wasting, carbon stealing fucktard! (Thanks for your help with those adjectives, J!)
What I don't understand is why he would do this to her, of all people. Her life is hard enough with the physical disability she has to deal with every fucking day. (She has spina bifida and is in a wheelchair) Plus, she has multiple medical issues because of the SB, and doesn't need the added mental stress that this has now put on her.
What are your thoughts, people? Please leave comments and/or questions so I can have an arsenal to attack him with, because you *KNOW* I am not just gonna leave this alone. Your help would be much appreciated. :)


UPDATE: If you would like to cyber-stalk him and/or send him a nasty message, this is where you can reach him:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000239074584&ref=ts#!/profile.php?id=100000239074584&v=wall&ref=ts


Update #2: I just sent a letter off to him. Here is what it said"

Just a few things...

1. You're a douche bag.

2. All of my blog readers now know you're a douche bag.

3. You're a dumb fuck.
Your last status stated you were "setting here relaxing" It should have been "sitting here relaxing"
Definition of "setting"
1 : the manner, position, or direction in which something is set
2 : the frame or bed in which a gem is set; also : style of mounting
3 : a: the time, place, and circumstances in which something occurs or develops b : the time and place of the action of a literary, dramatic, or cinematic work c : the scenery used in a theatrical or film production
4 : the music composed for a text (as a poem)
5 : the articles of tableware for setting a place at table ie: two settings of sterling silver
6 : a batch of eggs for incubation
Definition of "Sitting"
1 a : the act of one that sits b : a single occasion of continuous sitting (as for a portrait or meal)
Now you know how to spell it properly when you're sitting around with your next girlfriend.

I just don't understand how you could have lead M on like that. You truly have no soul. The next time your life is just shit, think back to how you treated her and then you'll know exactly how big of a bitch Karma can be. I wish you all the misery in the world.


UPDATE #3:

My friend JJK just pointed out some very interesting things:

Douchebags like this guy are serial in nature.
1. Chronic mis-spelled words shows a lack of basic grade school education. NEXT.
2. Probably is unable to keep a job, quits because THEY were constantly screwing with HIM. NEXT.
3. Heavy drinker of Mountain Dew and Monster drinks.
4. Prays on women will little to no self esteem, easier to replace women that way. NEXT
4. Most of his women are probably love connections met on myspace. NEXT.
5. Doesnt even know what a blog is. NEXT.
Tell M, to be grateful she is rid of him. He will try to keep her on the back burner.

Cubic Zirconia, Part Duh!

I apologize in advance for being long-winded on this one :)
After being sick for ten days straight, I called into work on Wednesday. I didn't realize at the time it was going to be such a big effin deal.
My boss, CZ, always likes people to call her on her cell phone. I called her at 6:55am and got her voicemail, so I left a message. I didn't call her at home because I knew she would be on her way to drop off her daughter and nephew at school. I then sent her a text message telling her that I left a voicemail and that I wasn't going to be in. ( I know, it seems silly to text her on the same phone where she didn't answer my call, but she is constantly answering (personal) text messages all day at work - yet ignoring calls - so I figured she would see it before she heard it.)
Fifteen minutes later, I get a call back from her and this is how the conversation went:
Me: "Hello"
CZ: "Did you call me?" (I knew she wouldn't check her voicemail!)
Me: "Yeah, I was calling to tell you I'm sick and won't be in today."
CZ: "You're not coming in today?!?"
Me: "No, I'm..."
CLICK!
WTH? Did she just hang up on me? She sure did.
I roll my eyes at no one, (because my husband is still sleeping) set my phone down and head back to bed. Just as I am getting back to sleep, my phone rings. I jump out of bed and race to it and answer. It's CZ again.
CZ: "Why is Dr. B coming into work today?" (Dr. B only works on Tuesdays, and today is Wednesday)
Me: "I have no idea. Ask his assistant, B."
CZ: "I can't because she starts her vacation today."
Me: "No, she starts her vacation tomorrow."
CZ: "No, I have her starting her vacation today. She got on a plane at 6 o'clock this morning."
Me: "No, I worked with her yesterday afternoon and she said she was working today. Plus, I was just on Facebook and she was on it as well and it's now 7:15, therefore she's still in town."
CZ: "Oh, ok. Feel better." (btw - she was oh-so-genuine when she told me to feel better.)
And then she hung up on me again.
Two minutes later, my phone rings again, but this time it's my co-worker, S, calling to ask if I was alright and to tell me that CZ just called her freaking out about me calling in. S understands that I'm sick and that I need to take care of me and she tells me not to worry about the day, that they'll just get through it like any other day.
I get to work Thursday and everything seems ok. We start the day and things are moving smoothly for being one person short (Since B is now officially on vacation). CZ's director - we'll call her MJ - comes in about 10-ish and asks to speak with CZ right away. They head into the conference room and shut the door behind them. They're in there for several minutes.
CZ comes huffing out of the conference room and says "You, me and S need to talk right now!"
We head over to the area where S works - since it is away from patient contact - and CZ turns on us.
CZ: "I just had my ass handed to me be cause you (she points to me) called in yesterday and it was your night to stay late and you (she point to S) didn't stay late to cover for her. MJ says we HAVE to stay late on our night and if you don't like it you can find another job. She also said that if you call in sick or are on vacation it is your responsibility to get someone to cover you on your late night."
(Our "late night" is staying until 5pm. We get to leave most days at 4, but each person rotates throughout the week staying til 5 to answer phones.)
I walk away and head to the front desk, and I'm starting to get a little irritated. First of all, I do not like being threatened when I have technically done nothing wrong. So I called in sick. I'm allowed to do that. It's in the policy - look it up.
Second, I have to find my own coverage if I CALL IN SICK?!? That is such BS! I would think the MANAGER is responsible for covering her staff when they're short, correct?
Whatever.
I go about the rest of my morning with CZ pissin' and moanin' about every little thing. She decides that she is leaving for her lunch at noon and doesn't come back for an hour.
In the meantime, my little brain is trying to figure out how I can help the office and myself at the same time.
Years ago (oh, about 5 or so) I worked 4 ten hour shifts. I loved it. I only had to drive to Southfield 4 days a week and that extra day during the week really helped for appointments, chores and our budget.
I decide to speak to MJ since CZ is gone for lunch.
Me: "I was wondering if maybe it might be possible for me to go back to 10 hour days like I did when I was first here. That way, only one day will need to be covered by the rest of the staff and they could rotate it - they'd only need to stay late once every three weeks. I could come in and work 7:30 - 6 on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday."
MJ: "Hmm, I'll have to talk to CZ to see if that would work for the office."
Me: "I understand that. I just want you to know that I would totally love to go back to 10 hour shifts, but I understand if it can't be done. I honestly think it would really work, though."
MJ: "Ok, I have no problem with it as long as CZ is ok with it. I'll talk to her this afternoon."
And with that, we end our conversation.
When CZ returns after her lunch, MJ come into the front office where CZ and I work and tells CZ that I have come up with an alternate idea for the "late night" coverage, and tell her about my idea of working 4 tens. She doesn't even give it a second to think about it.
CZ: "No! That is not gonna work. I'm not working alone." (FYI - We have three other full timers in addition to myself and CZ)
MJ: "CZ, you need to think about all of your options before making a decision. She would work Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, all the days we have patients and physicians. It may work because the rest of you would just have to rotate staying late on Tuesdays." (FYI - Tuesdays we have a physician, but B is the only staff member that works with him.)
CZ: "I don't know, I'm gonna have to think about it." *said with major attitude, a flip of her hair and a wobble of her head*
At this point, I'm thinking "Whatever", I would love to go back to 4 tens, but if I can't it really doesn't matter to me. My life wouldn't change. I would just continue with the same schedule I have now. I was also thinking this could be a win-win situation, but apparently, CZ was green with envy that I might get to do something that she can't. Which is silly, because she HATED when we had to work ten hour shifts.
After we finish with our afternoon patients, CZ disappears into the back and is MIA for about 20 minutes. She returns to the front office with S following close behind. CZ grabs some papers and then heads to the back office.
S catches my eye and mouths "I'm gonna have to call you later. Oh man, you should have heard what she was saying to me about you!"
I whisper back "I'm not waiting! You tell me right now!"
Apparently, CZ doesn't think its a good idea for me to work 4 tens because I "call in a lot".
Excuse me? WTF do you mean "I call in a lot"?
Are you holding the medical leave I had to take last year against me because I had heart problems and had to have heart surgery? I think that she thinks I had a 4 month vacation.
Or is it the time I called in last September because I was in the ER and had to follow up with my cardiologist and I missed ONE day of work?
Maybe it was this past January when I was running a 102 degree temp for 5 days (and two of those 5 days were Saturday and Sunday, so I only missed three days of work) and had to go to the hospital for a stat CT scan and bloodwork?
The only reason I called in this time is because I was sick AGAIN and it was holding on for dear life for TEN EFFIN DAYS and I am limited on what I can take because of my heart, therefore I had to go to my doctor.
I don't like to call into work. I always feel guilty because I am leaving our office short. Also, we have combined time off, so sick and vacation time is all in one bank. Why would I want to use it all up calling in sick in the winter?
CZ comes back into the front office as it is now nearing the end of my work day (Thursdays are CZ's night to stay until 5) and I am finishing up a couple things before I head out. The nurse had given me a phone number of a patient that I needed to call and add on to see the doctor for the next day and I had about 20 charts that I had to go file away. At 3:55 I'm on the phone making said appointment and CZ answers another call. The person calling needs an authorization for an MRI that they are having done on Saturday. CZ and I hang up at about the same time. CZ takes the paper with the MRI appointment information and throws it down in front of me on the desk and says "This needs an auth before you leave". She then walks into the nurse's office and shuts the door.
At this point, I am livid. This is complete retaliation because I spoke with her director about changing my schedule. It is also complete bullshit because it is HER late night and I am getting ready to leave and still have all these charts to file.
But, being the great employee (read: sucker) that I am, I call BCBS and get the auth, file my charts, grab my stuff, bust into the nurses office to give CZ the auth number and storm out of the office.
Lets just say, I had a slight case of road rage on my drive home when someone decided to make a left turn when there was an obvious sign that read RIGHT TURN ONLY!
Ahem, anyway, moving on.
Friday CZ has a meeting so that everyone can vote to see if it is ok for me to start working tens. MJ, S, the nurse, CZ and myself are there, but when she asks everyone to vote, the only person she looks at and gets an answer from is S. S is completely fine with me working tens.
CZ is pissed, so she tries another route to see if I'll protest...if I protest, then there is no way for her to "justify" me being there for ten hour shifts.
CZ: "Well, if you start working tens, I'm taking patient registration away from S and giving it to you since you'll have all this time (one hour in the morning, one hour in the evening) without the phones on."
Me: "I'm fine with that."
S: "When could she start her tens?"
CZ: "Well, I suppose it could be next week if I agree to it. I'll have to think about it."
Wait, wait, wait. Didn't you just say you were going to put it to a vote? The only person you asked to "vote" said yes, so why , now, do you "have to think about it"?
Drama, drama, drama.
It gets to the end of the day on Friday and I ask CZ if she has made a decision. She shrugs, says "eh" and leaves for the weekend.
OK. Now what do I do? She said I could start tens next week if she agreed to it, but didn't give me a difinitive answer. I wait until Sunday and send her a text asking what time I should show up for work on Monday. I get no answer, so I decide that I'll just go in an hour early. That way, the worst that could happen is CZ telling me no, I can't work tens and I have only wasted an hour.
CZ comes into work on Monday in a good mood and asks me how my weekend was. She is pleasant the entire day and at 4 o'clock I say "It's time for you and S to leave"
"Oh, it is, isn't it. Well, you have a good day off tomoroow. See you Wednesday!"
And with that, CZ and S head out the door and give me two glorious hours at work ALL BY MYSELF!
Then I begin to wonder why there had to be all this drama, just because I called in for one day?

Cubic Zirconia

As entertaining as the High Priestess L is, let me talk about someone else for a moment. That would be my boss, CZ.
Her real initials are not CZ, but my co-worker and I have taken to calling her CZ because she is as fake as a cubic zirconia.
CZ was not raised Catholic, but converted 20+ years ago after she met her now husband. They have a 12 year old daughter that had been going to Catechism until this year - she let her daughter quit because she didn't want to fight with her about going anymore. Other than that, she is not religious. She doesn't go to church. Ever. Not even on holidays.
Lent started this year on Wednesday, February 17th. On Friday, February 26th, CZ came to work and had not had anything for breakfast. She was “starving” by 9:30, so she went into the refrigerator and had a piece of pepperoni pizza that was left over from our office lunch from the day before. Toward the end of our morning, we decide that we're going to order lunch from the coney island. I decide that I'm going to share a coney dog meal with my co-worker, S, and CZ decides that she wants a coney dog, too. We ask the doctor what he would like and his reply was “Since it's Friday, I'll have a tuna sandwich.”
“What?!? I didn't know it was Lent!” CZ practically shouts.
“Um, Lent started last Wednesday” I reply.
CZ is visibly upset and says “Well, that's just great. Now I can't have a chili dog!”
Really?
First of all, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS LENT!
Second, you are not religious. You haven't been to church since your brother-in-law died in 2004.
Third, you ate a piece of pepperoni pizza for breakfast because YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS LENT!
Gah! People like this drive me crazy. Don't act like you're this super religous, holier-than-thou angel.
You're a hypocrite, plain and simple.

The Chocolate Shake Incident

In October of 2008, the karaoke clan took a trip to Florida. This trip included E and his wife KC, M and his wife N, the newlyweds K & L, my husband D and myself. 8 friends ready to party it up with a few drinks, a pool and some sunshine.
We started our trip by meeting at K and L's place because it was furthest south. We had agreed to meet there at 5am and then hit the road. We all show up at their place, ready to go with full tanks of gas, coffee in hand and breakfast - doughnuts compliments of E and KC. We're all ready to hit the road...with the exception of L. She can't drink the coffee that she brewed for everyone else. She can only drink cappuccinos from the gas station. So before we even hit the road, we've been delayed by the High Priestess L. We climb into our respective vehicles, stop at the gas station, L gets her cappuccino and we hit the freeway.
L proceeds to spend most of the next 13 hours sleeping in the van.
We arrive just south of Atlanta and find a hotel. We get checked in and go out in search of food because most of us are famished. Not L. She is in a grumpy mood because we woke her up. She finds something wrong with almost every restaurant we want to go to. (That place is too expensive – spicy – gross and/or I don't like it) We finally get her stamp of approval for Applebees, but there are issues when they bring her the wrong sandwich (Why, of all people, did they have to screw up HER order?!?) and it ends up being an all around fiasco.
Cut to the next day. We're all up and ready to get going by 8am. L has been up all night (because she slept all damn day yesterday!)and is now starting to get grouchy because she is tired. I thank my lucky stars that I'm not riding with her and we hit the road. She falls asleep almost as soon as we hit the freeway.
Around 1:30, I radio to the other cars that I am getting hungry and need lunch. K, E, KC, M, N and D all agree that they are getting hungry too, so we pull off in Gainsville and go to a Burger King.
High Priestess L is just waking up as the rest of us are getting out of the cars. She is pissed that we are stopping for lunch now because she is “not hungry yet” because she just woke up. I tell her that's too bad, that the 7 of us are hungry and are getting food.
She decides to bring her bad attitude in with her and proceeds to order a chocolate shake for lunch. That's it. Nothing else. D and I are already seated at the table eating when K and L come over and sit down. L grabs her shake off the tray and starts to drink it as E, KC, M and N join us. After everyone is seated, L slams her chocolate shake onto the table and storms out of the Burger King. We're all wondering WTF just happened, so K goes out to find out what is wrong with his wife.
K returns a few minutes later and we all ask him immediately what is wrong with her.
His reply?
“She's mad because her chocolate shake isn't chocolatey enough.”
Seriously?
Your chocolate shake isn't chocolatey enough?
WOW! Just wow.
N decides to take the shake up to the counter to see if they can make it “more chocolatey” for her. N takes L her new shake, and now L says she doesn't want it. How very mature. Even though she doesn't want it, she proceeds to take it into the van with her where it was found days later, completely melted and tipped over in KC's parents new van that has gray interior.
Why, that L, she's just so thoughtful!

On a side note, here is a video my husband did with his xtranormal account to "recreate" what happened. Enjoy - I hope you find it as funny as I do. :)

Oh, no you di-int!

I have a former friend who just can't leave shit alone.
It had been 10 months since I last communicated with said friend - I'll call her L - before her drama resurfaced. I'll get to that in a minute, but first, a little back story.
L was the wife of one of my husbands very good friends, we'll call him K. They were both part of a larger group of friends with whom we went to sing karaoke with every Friday night. My husband and I both stood up in K & L's wedding, and went on a trip to Florida as a group to celebrate thier honeymoon as well as attend my sister's wedding and just plain 'ol have a good time. (And let me tell you, that trip has some stories! But I'll save those for another post...)
The thing about L though is no matter how hard you try, you can never quite understand her.
While on the trip to Florida, she was moody and depressed almost the entire time (which really shouldn't have surprised me, as she is that way all the time), to the point of ruining some of the fun of others - namely her new husband - and took to sulking on the patio instead of swimming, drinking and conversing with the rest of us. I had to talk to her while there and tell her to snap out of it, that she was on a trip with some of her best friends and celebrating her honeymoon and that she shouldn't be all doom-and-gloom. That worked for a couple days, but eventually she returned to her normal self. When we returned from the trip, she proceeded to tell everyone that would listen that she had a horrible time. (*author's note: the reason she had a shit time is because she had no money to do anything because she doesn't work!)
Over the next six months or so, she proceeded to get more doom-and-gloom-ish and starting to post weird, depressing status updates on her facebook and myspace profiles that always had someting to do with having a "confused heart". Whenever one of us would ask her about it, she would pretty much bite off our head and say that they were just song lyrics that she liked.
This went on for a couple more weeks, and then she finally decided to confesses to her husband that she's not really happy in their marriage and that she has someone else that she has feelings for. K is obviously hurt, confused and pissed off, so he needs time to think.
After a couple days, this was her status on facebook:
Hurt, confused, annoyed...I just loooooooove the silent treatment
to which her friend replied:
Don't you just? you should repaint all the walls lime green! Or glow in the dark! Man, we could leave messages...

I assume this post was because L told her friend some bullshit story about how she was the victim in all of this...So, seeing these messages really pissed me off and I do not take kindly to cheating whores. How dare she make herself the victim! I decided it was time to put her in her place. This is a transcript of the "conversation" that took place between myself, K, L and a few other friends - M, E and KC.


Me: hmmm...well if you're commenting on one guy (K) I'm not surprised. He's now doing the same thing that you did to him. If you're speaking of a different guy (man she was a cheating whore with), he may be as "confused" as you were not too long ago and trying to "figure things out". So I guess the saying "what goes around comes around" applies here.

E: Or you could pick up the phone and call him! Just a thought.

M: wiseman once said...silence is golden, but never pay full price for late pizza...

L: Yeah thanks alot.....i feel so much better now!

Me: You are trying to make yourself into the victim, when that is so not true. YOU married a man that you didn't love. YOU then "didn't really cheat" with someone else. I don't blame that person if they don't want to speak with you right now.

M: amen, sister

L: So let me get this straight...before he knew it was "call me if you need me" and "I'm always here for you if you need to talk" but now that he knows its "it's your own damn fault you opened your mouth you should have just suffered in silence and dealt with it." We're both victims i could give a crap less if everyone wants to call me the "bad guy" it seems it would have been better if i just would have remained bitchy and cranky because we were making each other miserable and carried out a life with someone who can't talk about how they feel or even defend me against his family....i'm sorry but i'm through trying to make everyone else happy, i've lived that way for four years and i'm not doing it anymore. Call me selfish or a bitch or "the bad guy" if you want but i'm living for me for a change and if no one will stand next to me in the decisions i make then okay if that's how you feel. Sorry if it breaks up the group but i'm no fun when i'm miserable and you all know that.

Me: No, I'm not saying that you should suffer in silence at all. Everyone deserves that chance to be happy. What I am saying is that you should never have gotten yourself into this to begin with. I was trying to be a supportive friend, but certain facts came to light - finding out "the whole story" - that you never loved him in the first place and a lot of this could have been avoided if you could have been honest with yourself and everyone else to begin with. Saying that you got married "for your families" is a bunch of crap. You're an adult and should have acted like one.

L: where did you get "i never loved him" from?????

Me: Do you deny it? I have had two people tell me that is what you said to them, (*author's note: one of them was K. Ok, back to the story) along with that the only reason you got married was because of your families. I don't understand that logic, seeing as you hate your family. From the conversation that you and I had a couple weeks ago, it sounded to me like you were having confused feelings about K and someone else. Fine - I can understand that. It happens to a lot of people. But it was also my understanding that you were going to talk to a counselor/therapist and try to work things out, maybe have K and you talk to someone together to try and work it out somehow. Then, a few days later you tell K that you never really loved him and that you got married because of your families. I don't know. I feel like you didn't tell me the 100% truth and were just trying to make yourself feel better about the situation.

L: While i would like to know who told you that, cause i havent really talked to anyone since this all happened, i just dont care. People will say what people will say and im just getting more and more frustrated with everyone pointing the finger at my back. Accuse now ask questions never. If people want to believe off the cuff comments or remarks then so be it but i know what really happened and thats all that matters.

Me: You didn't answer my question. Do you deny it?

M: is there any reason the finger should NOT be pointed at you? you are the bad guy because you are actually IN the wrong. stop acting like you're innocent and blaming us for you're mistakes.

L: I am not blaming anyone and yes i did and still do love K. I am not the only one in the wrong here.

K: Why am I in the wrong here? If so what the hell did I do wrong??

KC: what did K do that was wrong? you admitted to me that you cheated and he left because of it... do you really, honestly blame him? Wouldn't you have done the same in his situation. I don't know what went on behind closed doors without the rest of us around... nor will I pretend to, however, I will say this.. no relationship is perfect. Everyday it's like going to work... from my observation in Florida, the work was kind of one sided. You tell everyone just how miserable the trip really was for you, but you never gave yourself a chance to enjoy it. All I know is that something changed and it maybe could have been prevented.... own your decisions. We can't make them for you... nor can anyone make decisions for any of us but ourselves. the night of the incident you had obviously made up your mind on the marriage... Not talking isn't going to fix anything, or make it go away. Like E said, pick up the phone. What hurt can it do?

E: Wow!

And with that, she was done talking to any of us...for the time being.

K filed for divorce and a few months later, all was said and done. K was moving on and started dating a girl, A, that we all love. She is friendly, sweet and gets along great with everyone. K is a much changed person with her, now that he doesn't have a leech sucking the life out of him. K and A have been dating for about six months and guess what? L can't stand that K is happy, so she decides it is time for a new facebook status.

L: It's amazing how you can look at one memory and realize how much you totally fucking hate some people! Asshole couldn't even tell me happy birthday. What the fuck is that about!? Screw you! You inconsiderate selfish can't keep it up JERK! And you're girlfriend is UGLY! What the HELL are you thinking!? I know you have a... small pecker but atleast date someone who doesn't look like a reject from Oprah Winfreys fat camp!

Oh, no you di-int! How dare you attack my friends when they have done NOTHING to you. Bitch. I will verbally cut you. I draft a letter, make sure A doesn't want anything added to it and this is what I send her:

"It's amazing how you can look at one memory and realize how much you totally fucking hate some people! Asshole couldn't even tell me happy birthday. What the fuck is that about!? Screw you! You inconsiderate selfish can't keep it up JERK! And you're girlfriend is UGLY! What the HELL are you thinking!? I know you have a... small pecker but atleast date someone who doesn't look like a reject from Oprah Winfreys fat camp!”

Really? This was your status earlier? Well, I would LOVE to deconstruct your status.
So, which one memory are you talking about? The one where you “didn't really cheat on him” Oh yeah, that should piss you off. How selfish of him to be devoted to you. Oh, and bringing up the size of anything – from a penis to a person – is completely bitchy. If you can dish it out, I sure hope you are ready to receive. You need to take a long look in the mirror before you start throwing stones at anyone. No one is perfect and how dare you attack someone when you yourself have those same issues. Perhaps we need to take a look at you application to said camp to see if it was rejected?
You have a lot of issues that you need to take care of. You've been blaming other people long enough for your own unhappiness. Time to be an adult and deal with it instead of posting shit on facebook.

To which she replied:

As this is none of your business but you felt the need to pry into something that you have no business in to begin with i shall once again explain myself to you though i really see no need in it. This isn't about K, it's about John. My ex from a long time ago, before K, managed to track me down. He's actually dating my best friend from high school, it's ridiculous and wrong and he showed up at my house the day after my birthday drunk as a motherfucker trying to get back into my life because he heard about my divorce. None of this pretains to K or A, But thank you for automatically assuming im that small of a person to just attack him out of nowhere, I never said i was perfect, I never said i wasn't to blame and NONE of this is about K. Maybe next time you see something you don't understand you try asking a question instead of just flat out accusing me and trying to insult me. I almost ended up back in the hospital because of John, he got a couple good hits in, and thank you so much for bringing it back into the light.

So I had to keep going:

See, there you go again. Trying to turn this around on ME. You say that I am the one bringing this "back into the light" but that is such bullshit. YOU posted the status, You say it is none of my business, but yet you continue to post "personal" information on a public forum.
That was a great bullshit story that you came up with, but really? You need to make sure all aspects of your story are cohesive. If what you say is true about "John", then why the hell would you care whether or not he called to wish you a happy birthday? Also, I don't buy you calling your "best friend from high school" an "Oprah Winfrey fat camp reject".
I know that you think that I'm the only one that is "jumping to conclusions", but honestly, we still have several friends in common and most (if not all) thought that you were talking about K and A as well. Maybe you need to stop trying to be so "mysterious" and just come out and say what you mean or keep it to yourself. That way, no one jumps to conclusions.

She decided that after that, she had no more to say to me directly, but updated her facebook status to say this:

some people just make me laugh my ass off at their stupidity, then again i guess stupidity makes you do unbearably dumb things but its not a handdicap so park your dramatic bullshit elsewhere.


HA! My dramatic bullshit!?! Yeah, ok.

I'm still waiting to see if this plays out any further, but in the meantime, I'll be creating posts so that way you'll all really get to know and understand the High Priestess L.